"What show is this from?"
"Who's singing this song?"
"Is this the original or a revival?"
My children have literally grown up in theaters. Because of this, I am often approached by strangers who compliment me and my children on their theatre etiquette. As I secretly gloat that I am CLEARLY raising a stellar set of human beings, I would often be surprised. Not because of anything in particular, only that they're not statues, they're still kids.
However, I HAVE seen the difference in my kids with others on a larger scale. A year ago, our family traipsed to Angel Stadium to see a baseball game in which Thomas's school's baseball team was being honored. Here is a snippet of conversation that occurred while we were there:
"Mom, this is JUST like Damn Yankees!"
"Um....Dad, why are people talking and laughing and not paying attention. Aren't we supposed to sit and watch?"
"Mom...Dad....I can't hear their lines."
Yup, that's how we roll.
THEN, we went to New York. Like any good theatre nerd, I purchased my tickets for our choice shows BEFORE the TONY nominations came out, knowing that the prices would go up, and availability would go down. The two shows, Cinderella and Matilda, were going to be Dylan and my niece Madison's very first Broadway shows, and let's face it, I was so excited about Matilda that I thought I may wet my pants.
But, I guess I missed the memo. Theatre has turned into a ballgame.
Upon arrival at The Broadway Theater for Cinderella, we took our seats when I noticed an usher walking the aisles with a "hawking tray" around his neck loaded up with candy and chips. I actually ended up in a conversation with the woman next to me about how weird that was, and maybe they were doing this because it was a "family friendly" show. Weird.
The show started, and I swear to God, no one would sit the fuck still. People jostled, people moved seats, the lady behind me answered her PHONE! I really thought I was going to kill someone. I tried to calm myself down, because let's face it, we all know I'm a little high strung when it comes to my over-inflated expectations of society.
We went to the backstage door, which was the HIGHLIGHT of the evening!
Ann Harada as the Stepsister Charlotte
Laura Osnes as Cinderella
THEN, it was the night for MATILDA!!! I have be stupidly excited about this show for months, watching every YouTube video I could get my hands on. I spent an OBSCENE amount of money on these tickets, and the show was at the Shubert Theater, one of my favorites.
We cleaned out the souvenir kiosk, then found our seats in the orchestra level....right behind the family from HELL.
Two parents, three kids under the age of ten, and English was not the language they were speaking to each other. Not that this was a big deal, but the temper tantrum that the oldest, a boy who was WAY too old to be having a temper tantrum in a Broadway theater was having over which seat he was going to sit in, was.
They played musical seats for a solid twenty minutes before the show started, prompting my 6-year-old niece to look at my sister-in-law and say, "SHEESH!"
THEN, the sugar-peddling usher with the candy box of doom came past. Apparently, this is a phenomenon on Broadway that I am NOT familiar with, nor OK with. When I worked at the Shaftesbury Theater in London, we, as ushers, hawked snacks as well, but the Brits seem to understand manners when it comes to snacking in a theater...just saying.
This charming family proceeded to buy one of everything from the usher, a poor kid who was clearly oblivious as to what was inevitably going to happen. Everyone around this family stared...all clearly having the same thought, "They're going to open all of that during the show."
I was right.
Not only did they rip open and pass around all of their snacks, but the kids refused to sit still, or STFU as well, prompting me to lean forward THREE times to ask them to be quiet.
The little boy had a coughing fit (he was now ensconced in the chair right in front of me) which made him fart. That was awesome. He and his mother would have lots of little conversations which promptly caused me to accidentally kick their chairs.
After the third time I asked them to be quiet (with the people in front of them giving plenty of stink eye as well), the father...four people down, turns to my family and says, "Please, please...."
PLEASE, WHAT??? Mother$%&*er???? Please let me allow your incredibly rude family to destroy a night that I paid an arm and a leg for and have been as excited about as the birth of my own children?? You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
This was only the first act.
Intermission comes, and Thomas takes the kids to the bathroom, leaving me with my brother, and this nut-job family who stands to stretch their legs, staring at me the whole time like I'm going to eat them.
Second act. Second act starts and it's musical chairs again. They settle down a bit, but every time someone from my family laughed at something on stage, one of the children from said charming examples of everything that is wrong with society, would turn around and stare at one of us, prompting us to give them a death stare that could rival Medusa. Once the lights came up, I have never seen 5 people move so fast to get out of somewhere.
I think they thought I was going to shank them.
I might have if they had stayed around long enough.
"Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty." -Matilda
The good news is that this did NOT stop us from loving every second of the show. Many times, I'm done with a show 2/3 of the way through and start thinking about the next one. This one...I didn't want it to end. It was brilliant. I'm not going to wax on and on about it, because that's a different story.
One of the greatest nights of theatre...and some of the worst behavior I have ever seen. If this is the way that society is going, I now understand why people compliment me on my children's behavior.
For it's ONE, TWO, THREE strikes your out at the old Shu-bert....er....ball-game!
